It's been a really hard few weeks. I've been trying desperately to stay positive but it's been near impossible. Right now I want to nothing more than to run away from home and maybe not even bother coming back.
Autism is a fucker. It's not even the lack of communication or the sensory needs that are our biggest hurdle at the moment, we have strategies for that stuff. It's a lifelong process and it sucks balls but that's just part of the whole thing. I can't change it and while it can be annoying, frustrating and tiring, I have accepted that is my lot in life.
You know what I'm sick of? Shit and piss. I'd like to go twenty four hours without cleaning up a wee that I discovered in a container somewhere, or having to wipe an arse (for the twentieth time that day) because he won't just sit and do a poo. I don't want to have to listen to the screaming when I force him into the shower because the smell of him makes me gag. I don't want to wash yet another pile of shitty clothes because he's wiped his revolting shitty hands all over them. I don't want to have to scrub down everything he touches. I'd like to go to bed before midnight. I'd like to go a day without vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. I want silence, quiet, peace. I don't want yelling and squealing and hearing his repetitive echolalia about fucking seagulls, magpies and crows. I'd like to watch an entire movie not just the menu screen and it'd be nice if that was in English not French or Russian. I want a whole day where we can be a family and there's no arguing or stress.
I want him to stop going backwards, because that is what is happening. Those things we have fought for, that we've spent countless hours and fistfuls money on, he's just throwing away and I have no idea why or how to stop it. I know people think they see improvements in him but they aren't. He's stopped some of his more unwanted behaviours in public, but he doesn't talk to anyone. He doesn't smile. He spends the whole time being scared and confused, then we get home and the screaming starts. I am lost and have no idea where to go from here.
But Fiji looks nice.