There has been a two month gap in my blog and it's because my brain is a bitch. I've had a love/hate relationship with my brain for as long as I remember. Sometimes we get along great and are high fiving each other all over the place about how rad I am. Other times it tells me how shitful I am. At everything.
Why are you blogging? Nobody actually cares what you're thinking. Why are you leaving the house? You look a mess, nobody wants to see your mess. Your life is out of control/boring/sad. Smile for God sake! You don't want anyone to know you're unhappy or they won't like you anymore and while we're at it can I alert you to the new wrinkle there? You're getting old and what have you done with your life? Nothing! And you probably won't. You'll never finish that book, you'll never be smart enough to study, good enough to be published, never travel, all you can do is be a mum and may I say that you're pretty shit at that too.
My brain is a real mean fucker. The one good thing about my brain is that it has learnt to pull itself out of the the negative self hate spiral. Granted sometimes it takes longer than other times, but we get there. Slowly.
A couple of weeks ago I cried. Ugly ass sobbing, spluttering, bottom lip quivering, the whole shebang. I hit the reset button.
I started writing every day again. I edited and reread what I'd already written and realised that it wasn't that bad. First draft sure but I was sort of having fun reading it. I fell in love with my characters again and slowly day by day I felt a little better. I was able to leave the house without rushing back, I was a little less snappy, a lot less despairing and a whole lot more positive.
Henri Matisse said, "Creativity takes courage." For me, creativity makes courage. The courage to face another day, the courage to take a risk, the courage to be myself and know that that is enough.