Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Thirty Seven

Yesterday I got a little closer to forty. That milestone is marching towards me with the speed of a North Korean soldier. Getting older was something that terrified me but now I know it's a privilege not given to many.

Every year that passes I grow and change so that now I find myself at the age of thirty seven an extremely different person than I was ten years ago when I started a family and bought a house. Other than knowing with every inch of my being that I needed to be a Mum, I had no other direction. Some people are lucky that they find their passions early. I flailed about doing odd jobs, studying and waiting for the day I'd be a Mum, buy a house, get a handy part timer and... then what? I didn't know.

Thirty. It happened. It sucked balls. Nothing went right the year I turned thirty. From the very moment that number clicked over things just started falling apart and I had to question everything I knew about myself and my world. Nate's diagnosis, my depression, Andre and I very nearly ending our marriage, it all happened that year. On top of that I was isolated from friends and family due to distance and any foundation I thought I'd built for myself had crumbled.

But you know what? I made it through and not only did I make it through but in the process of rebuilding absolutely everything in my life, I thrived. I started writing again. In the beginning all it was, was a diary about how much everything was shit. Soon it became more of a journal of things I had done and eventually I'd jot an idea here and there for a book. I never wrote any of those. Back then I hadn't found what I enjoyed writing, I thought I'd write a book about autism or something of a non fiction nature, but what I became really interested in writing were things a little supernatural. 

Finally I just sat down and wrote something. Was it great? No. Was it full of plot holes? Absolutely. Did I finish an 80,000 word manuscript, edit it and let someone else read it? Yes. That for me was an absolute triumph. Some days when things were really bad my kids and my writing were the only things to get out of bed for.

So here I am at thirty seven a completely different person. I look back and wonder who the hell that was that made all those decisions back then. It certainly wasn't the woman who wants to sell everything and spend a year with her family in a tiny caravan seeing the country, or the girl who dreams of seeing her name in print, or is okay enough with herself to just sit and "be".

I am no longer frightened of getting older. I embrace it and I embrace the new person I wake up and become each and every day.

Also a big thank you to Shannon for inspiring me to make time to blog again. She's got hers going on, all polished and shiny and fabulous. Go Check it out!